After an exciting week on the markets, one I’m sure Jesse Livermore at the peak of his powers would have relished, here are a few jokes - probably as old as Jesse - to ease us into the weekend:

“I’m giving you three weeks’ vacation,” said the boss at the investment bank.

“Wow, thank you very much sir.”

“And make sure you enjoy yourself. When you come back I shall have something very serious to say to you.”

***

The assistant at the meat counter had been fired and had sworn vengeance on the store.

He returned on Saturday, when the store was swarming with customers, and very publicly placed a dead cat on the counter, calling out cheerily,

“Hey guys, that’s the last of this week’s dozen.”

***
At the investment bank:

“Sir, there’s a debt collector in your office.”

“Tell him he can have the pile in my in-tray.”

Here are some nice numbers:

1. A Python can survive quite happily on 1 good victim per year. (Finally proving there’s a difference between snakes and stockbrokers.)
2. According to an old Chinese proverb, there are only 2 types of good people: the dead and the unborn. (So that’s more bad news for stockbrokers then!)
3. During the 1890s, Emperor Menelek II of Ethiopia was told about electric chairs, and he promptly ordered 3 as a neat way of disposing of undesirables. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that before you could kill people with them, you needed an electricity supply – which Ethiopia hadn’t quite got round to. The ever-resourceful Menelek put one of the chairs to use as his new imperial throne.
4. 4 record companies turned down the Beatles before they were signed to Parlaphone. (Most businesses stay in business by minimizing risks - take heed beginning traders. Too much risk-minimization can lead to under-performance - take heed experienced traders.)
5. Jesse Livermore says it took him 5 years to learn to enough about stock market speculation to make big money when he was right.
6. In 1932 the Soviet Union ruled that there should be only 6 days per week.
7. A mediaeval superstition from Central Europe says a woman can regain her virginity by bearing 7 bastard children. (I heard an analyst say something similar about one of his stocks last week.)
8. In pre-Christian times, there were 8 days in the Graeco-Roman week.
9. An old Turkish proverb seems to have been designed to offend everybody: “Among any 10 men, 9 are women.”
10. The British press tycoon Lord Northcliffe put notices up in his office, saying: “They are only 10.” It helped remind him of the mental age of his newspapers’ readers.

I love numbers. Nine of the number facts above are from A Book of Numbers by John Grant. One is from Reminiscences of a Stock Operator.

Here’s an entry sent in by Chuck Gray. Chuck says a lot of people will already have seen this. I hadn’t and it’s just about the best business analysis I’ve seen of why a guy with money shouldn’t marry a girl for her looks. It begins with an ad in Craigslist - a girl looking for a guy.

Girl Asks - What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

Guy Replies - We would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.”

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Jesse Livermore was one of the world’s most famous (or infamous) stock traders.

Now, almost 80 years after his fame peaked, many people still regard him as one of the greatest stock traders ever. With this in mind, here are some ways of assessing how deeply you’ve come under the influence of Jesse Livermore.

You know you’re under Jesse Livermore’s spell when:

• You tell anyone who’ll listen that “there is nothing new in Wall Street”.
• You forget everything you’ve ever learned about position sizing and put all of your own money (and ten times more from your broker) into a single trade.
• You tell people, “never argue with the tape”.
• You tell your (male) children to keep their cash close to their balls and never let anyone near it.
• You start talking about the size of the line you’re swinging.
• You have your best ideas while big-game fishing off the coast of Florida.
• You often begin sentences with the words “There I was…”
  • “There I was, once more broke, which was bad, and dead wrong in my trading, which was a sight worse.”
  • “There I was, short five thousand shares of Union Pacific on a hunch.”
  • “There I was on the morning of May ninth with nearly fifty thousand dollars in cash and no stocks.”

You know your wife’s under Livermore’s spell when:

• She starts paraphrasing his famous dictum “A stock can never be priced too high to buy” – but replaces “stock” with “necklace”, “shoes”, “dress”, “designer kitchen”, “bathroom suite”, or “vacation”.
• She repeatedly tells you, “there is nothing new in Wall Street my wardrobe”.
• She forgets everything you’ve ever told her about position sizing and puts all of your money (and ten times more from your bank) into her dream house.
• She tells you, “never argue with the tape me”.
• She often begins sentences with the words “There I was…”
  • “There I was, embarrassed because everyone else was better dressed than I was.”
  • “There I was, the only one not having an overseas vacation this year.”
  • “There I was, the only one whose husband hadn’t come too.”

Jesse Livermore was called The Boy Plunger (Plunger = A Reckless Speculator). He was happy to play the market long or short but his biggest successes came when he sold short prior to big market falls.

I’m a regular visitor to the BBC News site and I couldn’t help noticing that the recent falls in the world’s stock markets had led the BBC to change their homepage.

Yesterday, for the first time I’ve seen it happen, the BBC added their stock-market price indicator to the front page of their website. (By the time took this snapshot, the U.S. markets were recovering and are showing green.)

Today, however, with the markets recovering, things are back to normal - the stock market indicator is no longer front page news.

It seems that only bad stock market news is good enough for the front page of the BBC web site.